Dispatch #002 What If I’m Not Enough?

Psalm 34:18“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”

What is masculinity?

That word gets thrown around like it’s easy. Like you’re either a warrior or a weakling. A protector or a problem. Strong or broken.

But what if you feel both?

What if you’re a man who cries in movies but still opens the door for strangers?
What if you feel things too deeply? What if you’re moved by a piano chord or a kid's drawing or a memory you can’t shake?
What if you’re not built like a linebacker or wired like a Marine?

What if you can’t bench your bodyweight but you carry the weight of everyone else’s emotions like it’s your job?

What if you’re not sure your wife sees you as enough?
What if your boys respect your paycheck and your presence, but not your heart?
What if you’ve failed more than you’ve led?

What if your empathy makes you tired, not soft?

What if fear humbles you more than any sermon?
What if you freeze when it’s time to decide—and you fake confidence because you think that's what a man’s supposed to do?

What if you keep asking God to make you stronger… but He keeps making you softer?

And what if you hate that?

Here’s what I know:

I’ve never once had God tell me to man up.

But I have felt Him sit with me in the dark when I was too ashamed to ask for help. I’ve felt Him near when I was convinced I didn’t deserve closeness. I’ve felt Him whisper things I didn’t believe:

You’re still mine.
You’re still enough.
Your strength isn’t in your chest. It’s in your surrender.

Masculinity isn’t about muscle or silence or fixing everything.
It’s about staying.
It’s about getting up again.
It’s about holding the line when your hands are shaking and your voice cracks and you’re not sure you're even leading anyone.

Maybe that’s what strength really is.

Maybe being a man of God isn’t about feeling like one.
Maybe it’s just not walking away.